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The most comprehensive lesbian sex guide ever published just got better. Along with information and encouragement for many sexual practices, from cunnilingus, strap-on sex, and anal penetration to vaginal fisting, S/M, and role play, Newman offers much new which is new—100 additional pages from the best sex information accessible to lesbian, bisexual, and queer women. New for this edition is a far-reaching chapter on sex and partnership which tells readers the best way to create lasting sexual relationships. Newman scoffs in the idea that hot sex and long-term relationships are mutually exclusive. "Whether you might have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time," she says. Newman encourages her readers to work with her book "as a resource stuffed with information, suggestions, tips and techniques, and support for discovering a sexuality that works well for you." As publisher of Cleis Press since 1980, Felice Newman has developed and edited books on sexuality and gender by Susie Bright, Joan Nestle, Tristan Taormino, Patrick Califia, Carol Queen, Annie Sprinkle, Staci Haines, Loren Cameron, and Cathy Winks and Anne Semans of Good Vibrations. She really knows lesbian sex!
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book, Second Edition Copyright @ 1999, 2004 by Felice Newman. All rights reserved. from Chapter 7 Communication and Finding Sex Partners
Where is it possible to find sex partners? Well, just about anywhere. At school, in sessions of academic conferences, at work, in a bar, at a dance club, with the gym, on the subway, at a sex party, inside a women’s studies class, with your queer youth group, at a 12-step meeting, at church or synagogue, while doing community activism, through introductions from friends, via ex-lovers (and even the occasional ex-husband), and needless to say about the Internet.
More specifically, you are able to meet sex partners when you shop for sex toys, at the Dyke March planning meeting, in line on the queer film festival, at the women’s basketball playoffs, on parent/teacher night at your child’s preschool, while marching in your local Pride parade, on the International Ms. Leather competition, with the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival, at Novice Night your local S/M group, in your neighborhood queer bookstore, using your polyamorous lovers, and within the park while walking your dog.
GEOGRAPHY, NOT DESTINY
Whether you live in Louisville or London, the basics of meeting potential sex partners are the same. Sure, finding lovers becomes difficult if you can count the dykes in your campus on the fingers—and still possess a couple left onto vent your frustration! In case your town boasts few queer social resources, you'll must muster all your creativity (and self-confidence) to locate sex partners. But during cities with bustling queer communities—New York, London, Berlin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Sydney—the well seems to own dry at times. You can fly to Bay area for your annual Pride parade, line on Market Street with all the cheering crowd half millions of strong, and overhear an adorable pierced-and-tattooed dyke complain she can't look for a lover. Deprivation thinking will keep you, well, deprived. Honestly, if you think negatively enough, you'll locate a dyke shortage in P'town on the height of summer. Want to locate a girlfriend, a trick, fuck buddy, or summer fling? Indulge yourself in most erotic delight at your disposal—especially your own erotic imagination and capacity for self-pleasure. And inside the meantime, learn how to talk about sex. There's more to finding sex partners than moving to your city with favorable demographics or buying a new black leather miniskirt—though you will look irresistible inside East Village. Before you rent the U-Haul or spend next week's paycheck, learn some basic communication skills. You'll be a far more confident and competent partner—and you'll learn with relation to its you inside process.
TALK, TALK, TALK
Desire—communicated in no uncertain terms—is a gift we give each other. Think of your tongue being a sex toy (not just for oral sex) as well as sex talk as foreplay. Your words can stoke the fires as effectively as kisses and caresses. Some people like to talk dirty. We whisper sensual promises into eager ears. We send salacious emails inside middle of the workday. We leave outrageously graphic notes in gym lockers, patent leather purses, billfolds, underwear drawers, and peeking out from the floor mat inside Honda—on the driver’s side, of course. We have long, wet phone conversations. We spend days online cruising chatrooms for eloquent lovers. We make home movies. We tape ourselves having sex, and, together woman relates, we hit the playback button repeatedly and again.
Effective sexual communication is the single very useful erotic skill you are able to bring with a lover. As Susie Bright says, "No lover is capable to consider your vision and figure out how you need to get fucked within the ass." Sexual communication includes being capable to articulate your desires, fantasies, history, limits, and concerns—and being in a posture to listen without judgment to people of one's partners. Communication skills carry a huge payoff: Your love life improves dramatically when you gain fluency inside vocabulary of your own desires. When you are able to tell somebody whatever you want—in plain language—she’ll be much more likely to satisfy your needs. Your partner is going to be inspired by your forthright manner, too. Soon, she’ll be suggesting things she’s never said aloud before.
Asking your partner what she likes may also increase your sex life. You’ll uncover just how she likes being touched, which can make which you better lover. You needn’t concern yourself with appearing inexperienced should you ask your lover how she likes her clitoris licked. Even when you’ve gone documented on a hundred other women, you continue to don’t discover how she likes it. Asking could be the mark of your sophisticated lover. It’s a fantastic way to get employed to discussing desire, too. If you’re too shy to open up up a dialogue about your needs, begin with hers. (Just don’t forget in the future time for you.)
Talking about sex won’t ruin the mystery or spontaneity of one's erotic encounters. The romantic myths that great sex "just happens" and that a skilled lover can intuit your requirements are merely that—myths. Once you’re open about your sexual practices and fantasies, it can be done to stop wondering whether you’re "normal." As soon because you start telling friends and lovers the scenarios that fuel your dreams, you’ll discover that you're hardly unique. Many people share your fantasies. In fact, some of the friends may develop turn-ons even more kinky than yours.
Finally, communication is how we practice consent. Even though you already know that which you want, you can't give (or withhold) consent without communicating it.
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